Indecision.

Lately (Really who am I fucking kidding? Everyday for my whole life, not "lately") I have been wrought with indecision. 

There are a few things of which I am sure:

1. I love jake

2. I want to get the fuck out of

 michigan.

3. I love my cats.

That just about does it. So i guess what i'm missing, apart from well, EVERYTHING, is the means and the vehicles to make what i know i want easier or better. I want to graduate, but I'm not about to try and complete my major. I want to have a good life, pay my debts, and make money, have a place to live, etc... but I don't know how I want to do that.

Oddly enough, everything I've ever started in my life has kind of worked out for me-- but only to a certain extent. E.g. I am good at singing, but not good enough for it to drive me for

 perfection, progress. After a time I seem to burn out on everything, give up, and become complacent.

The most glaring example of this is school.

But isn't it everything? Past relationships, diabetes, choir, debate, etc.? Why is this so difficult for me? It seems to me that after joining jake at so ma

ny AA meetings, i would give up the idea that i am unique in anyway, that my feelings of life being "so hard" might dissipate as I realize that everyone is just like me.

That's enough bitching.

I am procrastinating my mandatory study time. After all, this research paper isn't going to write itself. 

i used to

 be so proud of how smart I am and at some point it kind of dawned on me that I am not nearly as smart as I used to think. It's frustrating. At least my skin, apart from a few pimples is finally starting to look good without makeup! (thank you shiseido.) Not that I don't love makeup, but it's so much prettier on nice skin. Because no matter 

how great your "concealer" is, bad skin is bad skin. And that sucks. 

Anyway. 

This morning I spent a few hours passed out at the union, I don't know what makes me so exhausted some times. Jake probably hates me-- instead of like, hanging out with him I laid in the booth passed out, snoring and farting.  (I assume that's what happened anyway. I am disgusting.) After that time, I went to the worst class in history for 2.5 hrs. where I fought with some random bitches over the outlet for my computer (They obviously didn't know how important it is for me to play mahjong constantly.) and waiting patiently for my douche-bag prof. to take attendance... of course, to my dismay he did not. Asshole.

I read carin's blog for about an hour and in no time i realized i had accidentally read like, three years of entries. 

I always envy other people's blogs. Hers was uh-mazing. Filled with awesome original photos of her beautiful little girls and happily absent of all the mindless bitching that I do in mine.

I have had my share of what used to be "online journals" and now "blogs" but have not been

 able to maintain the necessary level of attention to make anything good of them.

After happily attending my lab (where I continued to play mahjong half of class) I toddled over here to the union (i spend about much time here as I do at work, maybe more... sick.) to stuff my face with McAlister's potato salad and unsweetened ice tea, chalk full of splenda (YUMMMM). 

Rather than going to the library, like i told myself i would, I am sitting here, doing nothing important, trying to release my thoughts.

Okay.... I just heard someone ask at mcal's if the sweet tea is sweetened with "white sugar". 

Pardon me, but what the FUCK else would you sweeten your tea with? Honey is for hot tea, brown sugar is for cookies, powdered is for frosting. I sure as HELL would not like anything but white sugar in my sweet tea. Fucking nut jobs. [To be fair, you could use raw sugar, but why the hell would you assume that's what someone uses? Are you a moron? please. Food costs people-- think about them.]

So I know that I always do this, make a list of goals for myself and tell myself that I will follow them vigilantly, only to forget about them conveniently within the next 6-36 hours. But seriously, my life is in shambles. I have to do it. 

So here it goes.

I will:

Eat Healthily.

Exercise frequently.

Wash my face, twice daily.

Brush my teeth.

Do the laundry.

clean the room.

save money.

test my blood sugar.

take my insulin.

talk to my parents.

pay for school.

sign up for next year.

work harder.

get a job that pays well.

be creative.

express my thoughts.

communicate effectively.

 dress better.

put on makeup.

wake up early.

wash my hair.

pay my bills.

stop.wasting.time.

work.for.what.i.want.

 

there is so much potential for happiness, right here, at my fingertips! I only need to reach out and take it. 

carpe diem, bitch.