Regrets?

I regret:
Fucking up school.
moving out of the dorms.
piling up my credit card debt.
being a bitch sometimes.
making 7.35 an hour.
liking my job so much.
working too hard.
not working hard enough.
not saving money.
gaining weight.
eating too much.
not working out.
not trying harder.
having regrets.

There are few things I hate more than that I actually can admit I regret some things. I am happy for many things, I am happy in my life, for the most part.
But sometimes I look at pictures of myself back in high school, freshman year of college, etc. and I just yearn for the simplicity of everything. I know that I was by no means happy at any of those times in my life-- in fact, for most of them I was totally miserable.

So hindsight really paints a rosy picture, but at least I can admit that I wasn't "spiritually fit" even if I didn't have to stare at a pile of debt and feel obese.

Life is funny like that.

I do know this:

I love my boyfriend.
I am making progress.
Life will be great.

On another note: We missed our pre-sale goal by a mere 200 dollars... WHAT THE FUCK?!

Dammit peggy. you ruined my life yet again. Hopefully today we will be slammed, and we will all make a butt-load of cash. That is my hope.
At least for now.

Bonus time, please!

Working in retail can really wear on a girl... It has been a pretty funny week, just because I am constantly explaining to people that "no, it is not bonus time yet... no you cannot have your products yet if you preorder... no, i cannot just give you a gift if you come back next week."

it is  pretty hilarious.

In other news, carin was cleaning up from her makeover last night and was watching me stockpiling and such and she goes, "WE'RE NESTING!!!" She went on to explain that when she had all three of her babies she would go around making meals for the next week and stockpiling, organizing, etc. 

So bonus time at clinique=baby time.

in case you were wondering.

Dear Rach: Cont'd

Rach: "Noooooooooooo!"

dude: "Now im sad baby!"

Rach: "We can have sex tonight!"

Dude: "We R havin it when i get there in the shower"

wtf.

freaks.

rach, give it up, he's a douche.

After Thought... Dear Rach.

The guy sitting in front of me was just texting a girl in his phone as "Rach." It seems to me that they are not getting along, I will give you the transcript of their text:

"Rach

Ya right, U dont mean it. U dont like my dick and U dont like sucking it..."

.............................................?

at this point in my snooping he moved his phone so i could no longer read it... disappointed.

This type of behavior further confirms my theory that people are FREAKS.

And all the girls sitting next to me agree.

This is obviously a sign that text messaging has gone to far in replacing actual conversation as a method of communication.

so is it worse that they are having this text message conversation or that I am TOTALLY obsessed with seeing more of it?

I'll leave you with that.

WHERE ARE THE BENCHES?!

WANTED: BENCHES FOR SITTING

I found them... just so you know, after much ado.

After my baby jakey left the union this morning I decided that the heat was suffocating and that it would be nice to sit outside on a nice bench.

I walked outside expecting there would be one within a few feet and lo and behold, there was nothing! No benches anywhere in sight!

So instead I walked over to beaumont tower, where i knew there were benches and sat there until this next class was supposed to start.

Still, I wondered, why no benches MSU?

That was, until I wandered over to my next class (in a portion of campus that before this year I almost never went) and there they were! Little black benches scattered all over, I only wonder why this portion of campus is so special as to deserve benches and the rest does not.

Life's mysteries.

That brings me to last night:

I was up late, as you might expect, working on my paper, when CHAOS STRUCK.

Bentley ran into the dining room where I was sitting and i thought, "hmm, how strange." Then all of a sudden I saw something black go above my head-- still confused, until it came back and i realized IT WAS A FUCKING BAT!!!

Now, for those of you who don't know, I don't have the best history with bats. I pretty much have three experiences:

1) I was babysitting my mom's boyfriends house (and dog), on christmas when a bat flew through the room, I successfully locked it in the bathroom, where it died. My mother had to come get it the next day... i did not sleep that night.

2) I met the love of my life, someone just as scared of bats as I am, go figure. And so we're living up north this summer in the basement... it's the middle of the night and our kittens start meeeeooooowing like crazy. We wake up and are like, "WHAT THE FUCK, CATS!!!!??? shut up!" When we notice something hanging from the ceiling... a bat. Fuck. Jake screams and runs out of the room, slams the door with me and the cats locked in. So much for chivalry and valiance. douche. Just kidding. Anyway, I don't know how I got out, but it was very scary.

3) Last night, upon realizing that it was a bat I was left with a few choices. 1, man up and figure out how to get the bat outside. 2, run out of the room screaming. 3, hide under the table... It was a tough call in between the last two. So it's 1am, Jake is asleep on the couch, I after a moment of hesitation, run out of the room screaming like a bitch. We both freak out as usual, and I tell him to go let it out. So he runs (with a blanket over his head) towards the front door, where the bat "attacks him" so he cannot let it out. After much more screaming, the bat started flying into the living room where I was, and so I was forced to "hit the deck" and cover myself with a blanket. After a few more moments of terror, I crawled, covered by my blanket into the bedroom and shut the door.

After rousting his parents, Tom came down and netted the bat in a few seconds, put it outside, and told us we were idiots.

This is why I love jake so much.

We spent the next five minutes laughing hysterically, practically crying, and recalling our brush with death... er, the bat.

Allow me to give you a visual aid:

This is what I think all bats look like:

This is a vampire bat, they feed on the blood of horses and cows. They transmit diseases when they attach themselves to the animal for THIRTY MINUTES!!!! ouch. They have also been known, in more rare circumstances to feed on humans.

fortunately, they only live in south america and some of mexico.

phew.

This is what my bats have probably looked like:

Alright, the ears are a little bit smaller, and wiki tells me that these little suckers (BA HAH!) do not feed on humans or animal blood, but only eat insects.

REGARDLESS! I do not see much difference in their appearance and i am  DEFINITELY scared shitless of both of them.

So vampire or not, fuck bats.

Good morning, vietnam! (From way back during the school year!)

For all who care, i have two stunning revelations:

1) The library has a little section of lockers you can use for the day-- free. My "too much shit" at the library complaint has now been remedied.

2) Sometime between my research papers my freshman year, and now, the library got BAGS. Yes, bags. so that when I walk up with twelve books they don't just laugh at me and watch me try to carry them all out the door like an asshole, they can offer me a bag. Amazing.

Now it is saturday morning, and as i expected (since i was ambitious enough to get up and come to the library) the fucking building doesn't open until ten. Don't they know that not ALL msu students are passed out drunk on saturday mornings? Some of us actually have lives to attend to that restrict our schedules.

Anyway, I went to the library at 9, only to find the doors still locked, so bunny and I went to get gas and then to her office to kill time. It was 9:40 when i got back, so i sat outside the library waiting for ten.

In that time I:

-emailed my father, we may get lunch/brunch tomorrow

- was asked twice (in rather quick succession) where the union was

- appreciated the beautiful day: it was only forty some degrees out, but it's one of those days where spring is trying its hardest to come out despite the cold. So it was bright and shiny, with a warm sun and a cold breeze.

This is my, I know I'm cool because I'm waiting for the library to open on saturday morning-face.

This is my, 'why isn't the damn library open when i want to be there on saturday morning' face.

Now that I am inside, the best thing about the library in the morning is how easy it is to get alone-- i have the whole 2east floor to myself!!!

this is the only place i will take the elevator to or from the second floor-- only out of sheer laziness.

work work work.

FUUUUUUUCK: the update

there are now two little azn girls tittering with each other in the corner (DAMN!).

I am out of diet coke and gum. 

If i do not come home to night, send a search part the the carrels by special collections in the basement of the lib... i am probably wedged between two moving shelves unable to move, trying to off myself.

Library Chronicles.

Here's the Goings on:

One thing I always do: Bring to much shit and an inappropriate bag to the library. The problems: You collect seventeen different books which you would love to sit down and sift through to know what is necessary for your research, and yet, you have no ROOM in your BAG... because of all yo' shit. 

Today i could only fit 3.5 (one stuck out most of the way) in with my other crap, even after i had attached my (empty) nalgene to the strap of my bag and gotten rid of my diet coke (yum.)

Now I find myself with the problem of this big honkin' computer.

See, if i were smart and not an asshole, when I got up this morning, I would have grabbed an empty backpack, thrown my wallet and computer in there and called it good. But noooooooo. Not only did I pitch a fit because i wanted to sleep in (sorry) and only leave at the very last possible second. But i didn't even THINK about bringing my backpack. So now I have my sunglasses big-ass case, a file of papers i will not be reading today (I did need one to actually get the books for my paper, so it's a good thing i brought it, but really i could have and should have pulled the one page out and folded it up in my back where it would not interfere.), an old state news (maybe two), a graphing calculator (yeah, like i've ever used that.), a bag of lipsticks and other paraphernalia, random papers and a cellphone charger.

worthless...

Now i find myself grumpily shoving books as deep in my back as they will go so I can make it to the next stack. This was all before I got to the most vital section of the library for me (the one on women and the military, you know, my topic...) where I had to pick up another eight books.

I barely made it to this study carrel.

Which brings me to my next observation.

Students are assholes.

I know you're all thinking: "Well no SHIT stupid."

I mean, I guess I've always known it, but in the library it is like, painfully evident because besides the bar, that is where students are displaying their most extreme behavior.

You ask, "Whitney, what the fuck are you talking about? At the library, everyone is just milling around minding their own business, right?"

Wrong.

My first encounter, I was gathering my books about the military, when i was disrupted by a rapid beeping and the noise of scampering feet, then giggles.

I walked out of my aisle to see a couple running around pushing buttons on the electric shelves and trying to shut eachother in them. 

hmph.

after this they went over to the library, pushed the button five times and then made out, giggling.

i almost threw up.

So after that, i realized that the noise of the elevator beeping over and over might disturb me just slightly, additionally, the human traffic at that location was guaranteed to be quite high.

(Ahoy! A person much smarter than I has walked into my peripheral vision. This professor-ly woman has brought a GARBAGE BAG with her to gather her books. What a fucking genius, i am jealous of her brain power. Now the smart woman is moving around the shelves smiling widely as if to say, "Ha ha! I have done so much research, i came prepared! Look at me with my garbage bag, I scoff at you! Watch as a gather dissertations and research papers and other such scholarly booty, and simply toss it in my bag with all the others! Ha ha! I do not have to worry about dropping all MY books and looking like a fool! [as a side note, it appears that she cannot operate the electronic shelving units, for this I feel redeemed])

There she goes, toting her bag, i am so jealous.

Anyway, once i successfully maneuvered my tedious stack of books over to a set of surprisingly large, comfortable carrels, I was greeted with glares from the other three students already taken up residence there.

I got the eyes of, "Uh, this is my super-secret study place, you OBVIOUSLY do not belong here, you are not wearing a backpack, and therefore are not a serious student."

After a while, however, I settled in like a fucking bedouin with all my shit and have commenced studying, with only a ten minute pause to jot down the observations of this adventure at the MSU library.

mornings.

i hate the morning. 

I always will.

I have tried it, and have failed. I will never be a morning person. 

I like to sleep, I am grumpy, i hate the cold. 

Is it so much to ask for the world to start after 12pm?

I do, however, like chai lattes, especially when they come in giant glass mugs. 

I don't understand most of the baristas at cappuccino or why they are usually grumpy bitches. I tip, I'm not an asshole, I clean up my stuff. Please, tell me what I did to upset their day?

in other news, minnie is healthy. Yesterday we took the two kitties to the vet to have their shots and get checked out. 

Bentley's kidneys are small. (I am still trying to convince him that not having testicles and small kidneys does not make him less of a man, we still love him)

Minnie's little "corns" as they are called, on her paws can apparently be a symptom of feline leukemia virus... so when the vet told us this we were very freaked out. I mean, she was tested before as a baby and hasn't been around any strange kitties. Regardless, we were very nervous and concerned for her, so we paid the extra 50 dollars to have her tested for the virus.

after what seemed like an eternity the vet came back and told us she was negative. THANK GOD.

Feline Leukemia infects 2-3% of cats nationwide. It is an incurable, preventable disease. It is the most common cause of cancer in cats and is related to a number of immunodeficiency disorders, as well as other infections.

So get yo' kitties tested and vaccinated, so they can live a long, happy, healthy life with you!!!

Anyway, at least my baby girl is healthy and hopefully she continues to be that way. 

It is almost after noon and soon I will be able to wake up!

The "Three Step": DEBUNKED!

Now don't get me wrong on this one, I like clinique-- i really do. But I gotta be honest, i have not exactly "drunk the koolaid" as far as loyalty goes. Recently, as I have previously mentioned, i became a shiseido convert. This expenditure, however, was not exactly small, so I have decided to rationalize it a little bit.In addition to this fact, I had a discussion with a good friend and coworker of mine just a few weeks ago about the silliness of the so called "three step" because if you use all the things clinique would like you to in your skincare regime the cost would increase dramatically.I will elaborate: C tells you that in order to get the most effective use of your cleanser you have to remove your makeup first... using another cleanser.

After washing your face twice, you are supposed to exfoliate. And while the clarifying lotion is the basic exfoliator,  you are supposed to enhance the effects with turnaround concentrate.

Following your exfoliation is the moisturizer. Use the basic dramatically different lotion/gel and you will find that your face is without sun screen and/or any major benefit you might want from your moisturizer (e.g. anti-aging, de-aging, antioxidants, etc.) for this you will need a "booster moisturizer" as a supplement.

Beyond these things, and this goes for all skincare, you need an eye makeup remover and an eye cream.

let's tally it up.

C bills their 3-step as costing between 53 dollars and 56.50, depending on your need of pumps and liquid/bar soap.

Here is the run down:

Take the Day Off (Eye M.u. remover): 16.50

Rinse Off Foaming Cleanser: 17.50

Facial soap: 10.50 (bar w.o dish)/ 14.50 (liquid)

Clarifying Lotion: 19.00/19.50 (w. pump)

Turnaround Concentrate: 36.50

DDML/DDMG: 21.50 (w.o pump)/ 23.00 (with)

"Booster" Moisturizer: 32-48.50 

Eye Cream: 27.50-38.50

whew.

*drum roll please!*

181-214.50!

YIKES!

Not only did you drop 2 bills on your skin but you also have EIGHT steps, not THREE.

Debunk-tion complete.

to be fair, the investment is worth it, by all means. I do, however, have a problem with the idea that this plan is the "exception" to the accessibility of department store products. This is not affordable to everyone, get over it.

That said, I was in meijer last week perusing the cosmetics when i came upon the Olay "definity" stuff, and all the other new intensive aging products from meijer, which to my surprise, ran about 25-30 dollars a piece.

So you decide. What's the difference? IS there a difference?

At the end of the day, clinique has the right idea, although it is by no means unique to this line. Cleanse.exfoliate.moisturize.

Any good skincare will have those three aspects.  I can't tell you what to use, but I can tell you what to do... So do it!

Hmph.

I am already a failure.I did not wash my face this morning. Therefore, the festering grease-pit that is my face is exploding with more and more pimples every second. Wtf. 

But seriously, is it so hard to get my ass out of 

bed and scrub down my face? I'm not asking much of myself at this point... I have like a thousand different products I could use (some better than others) and yet I insist on leaving them in their place. 

They are not just pretty bottles. They have a purpose, DAMMIT! 

Use them.

It's like the syndrome of modern women: I'm so fat (Yet I never work out, eat like shit, etc.) and I never see results! WAAAAH! This persistent complaining is the definition of insanity-- we think our life is so horrible but we only repeat our behaviors.  It is sick. sick sick sick!!!

So for today, I will go home and wash my face, I will do some sit ups or ride my bike or something. I haven't ruined today yet, because at every moment I can make the decision to take action. It is not all or nothing in the battle against laziness, it is one second at a time. Progress can be made.

Work work work.

Indecision.

Lately (Really who am I fucking kidding? Everyday for my whole life, not "lately") I have been wrought with indecision. 

There are a few things of which I am sure:

1. I love jake

2. I want to get the fuck out of

 michigan.

3. I love my cats.

That just about does it. So i guess what i'm missing, apart from well, EVERYTHING, is the means and the vehicles to make what i know i want easier or better. I want to graduate, but I'm not about to try and complete my major. I want to have a good life, pay my debts, and make money, have a place to live, etc... but I don't know how I want to do that.

Oddly enough, everything I've ever started in my life has kind of worked out for me-- but only to a certain extent. E.g. I am good at singing, but not good enough for it to drive me for

 perfection, progress. After a time I seem to burn out on everything, give up, and become complacent.

The most glaring example of this is school.

But isn't it everything? Past relationships, diabetes, choir, debate, etc.? Why is this so difficult for me? It seems to me that after joining jake at so ma

ny AA meetings, i would give up the idea that i am unique in anyway, that my feelings of life being "so hard" might dissipate as I realize that everyone is just like me.

That's enough bitching.

I am procrastinating my mandatory study time. After all, this research paper isn't going to write itself. 

i used to

 be so proud of how smart I am and at some point it kind of dawned on me that I am not nearly as smart as I used to think. It's frustrating. At least my skin, apart from a few pimples is finally starting to look good without makeup! (thank you shiseido.) Not that I don't love makeup, but it's so much prettier on nice skin. Because no matter 

how great your "concealer" is, bad skin is bad skin. And that sucks. 

Anyway. 

This morning I spent a few hours passed out at the union, I don't know what makes me so exhausted some times. Jake probably hates me-- instead of like, hanging out with him I laid in the booth passed out, snoring and farting.  (I assume that's what happened anyway. I am disgusting.) After that time, I went to the worst class in history for 2.5 hrs. where I fought with some random bitches over the outlet for my computer (They obviously didn't know how important it is for me to play mahjong constantly.) and waiting patiently for my douche-bag prof. to take attendance... of course, to my dismay he did not. Asshole.

I read carin's blog for about an hour and in no time i realized i had accidentally read like, three years of entries. 

I always envy other people's blogs. Hers was uh-mazing. Filled with awesome original photos of her beautiful little girls and happily absent of all the mindless bitching that I do in mine.

I have had my share of what used to be "online journals" and now "blogs" but have not been

 able to maintain the necessary level of attention to make anything good of them.

After happily attending my lab (where I continued to play mahjong half of class) I toddled over here to the union (i spend about much time here as I do at work, maybe more... sick.) to stuff my face with McAlister's potato salad and unsweetened ice tea, chalk full of splenda (YUMMMM). 

Rather than going to the library, like i told myself i would, I am sitting here, doing nothing important, trying to release my thoughts.

Okay.... I just heard someone ask at mcal's if the sweet tea is sweetened with "white sugar". 

Pardon me, but what the FUCK else would you sweeten your tea with? Honey is for hot tea, brown sugar is for cookies, powdered is for frosting. I sure as HELL would not like anything but white sugar in my sweet tea. Fucking nut jobs. [To be fair, you could use raw sugar, but why the hell would you assume that's what someone uses? Are you a moron? please. Food costs people-- think about them.]

So I know that I always do this, make a list of goals for myself and tell myself that I will follow them vigilantly, only to forget about them conveniently within the next 6-36 hours. But seriously, my life is in shambles. I have to do it. 

So here it goes.

I will:

Eat Healthily.

Exercise frequently.

Wash my face, twice daily.

Brush my teeth.

Do the laundry.

clean the room.

save money.

test my blood sugar.

take my insulin.

talk to my parents.

pay for school.

sign up for next year.

work harder.

get a job that pays well.

be creative.

express my thoughts.

communicate effectively.

 dress better.

put on makeup.

wake up early.

wash my hair.

pay my bills.

stop.wasting.time.

work.for.what.i.want.

 

there is so much potential for happiness, right here, at my fingertips! I only need to reach out and take it. 

carpe diem, bitch.